There are some things that I don't tell anyone because I know the only people who can fully empathize with me is no one but myself. I am tired, and some days I feel absolutely useless. They are the days I wish I am smarter, fitter, more knowledgeable, more flexible. and a little more of everything, a little better at everything.

My classmates laugh at me teasingly when I stress my words wrongly, of course they mean no harm, they laugh only because I sound dumb. But I guess I am dumb. I don't know a lot of things. And I am not saying this in a manner of self-deprecation. I wish I could compliment myself too- but what to..?

I envy my classmates who can speak better American stage speech than me. I envy my classmates who can kick higher than me in Kalarippayattu. I envy my classmates who can do splits in ballet. I envy my classmates who can hit the notes in the Italian operas. I envy my classmates who knows all the famous actors/directors/thespians whom have ever existed in this world. I envy my classmates, a lot. I envy that they are all better than me.

There are some days I hit rock bottom and I don't call for help. Because I'm afraid to let people know I have fallen. I just want to quickly climb out and hope that nobody even realizes I've dropped in so that I can pretend nothing happened. There are some days that I wish I was not me.

That some days is today.