It's the holidays, I've been waiting for this month forever but now that it's here I don't really know what to do with my time. I mean, yeah there's lots for me to catch up with about schoolwork and read up more, but I feel so lonely. I have no money to go shopping or much friends who have time to hang out with me. This is one of the worst things that can happen, no? That the only month you're free and not burdened with school, your friends are simply all too busy for you. Mostly just overseas actually. But when they wanna meet you after they're back, school starts and my social life pauses again for another semester.

I can't get my teachers' words out of my mind. "Be more selfish." I feel so pressed. I feel suffocated. I really don't know what to do. Of course this industry is competitive, I understand that. We all gotta fight for what we want. But I just want peace. Am I over-giving?

In all honesty I have no clue what's happening to me as of recent. I talk to strangers, I don't feel confident without make-up anymore, I allow myself to get drunk, and I remember crying but not knowing why.

Nothing's really going well, but I know I'll survive all the same.

It's crazy how I know this is something I told myself I would never do, that it involves too much risks and people here aren't just reliable at all. Yet I dive into it. And I sink RIGHT IN. I can't rationale this.