It's been some time since I penned down any thoughts here, not because there are none, but only due to the lack of time. School has been really hectic- it's relentless and unimaginable, and I know the days ahead are only gonna get worse and more exhaustive. BTs are round the corner, and I can't say I'm fully prepared, but I'm not giving up either.

Some time back I posted on SA confessions page because I couldn't stand how shallow the page was becoming of with all the "*** is the best OGL ever!!!" or "Hey **** I think you are so cute wish you'd notice me xoxo" and all that kinda crap. And eventually I got really really really touched by 190 others' affirmation about my thoughts:  :')

After getting O's results I was really depressed. I mugged really hard only to burn out in the end and got myself an L1R5 I thought could get me nowhere I wanted, because everyone had expected me to be a 6-pointer. But with persuasion from some of my friends, I went for a few open houses of JCs of my result range. It was amazing how when I stepped into SA I just knew it would be the school for me. I really wouldn't say I regretted becoming a Saint, even though I spent two years in J1 which changed my life completely. There's so many amazing things that happened to me in SA, and the people I crossed paths with made me feel that my college life is complete. But if only I wasn't so dejected after O's and gave up on studying, I guess I would be much happier now. I wouldn't have drifted from some of my bestest friends I could ever have and I would be enjoying my holidays now with them. But that being said, maybe God had a different plan for me. Maybe I was meant to retain, to build a better foundation for A's, to meet new people and to find new goals. I was a retainee but I made it to J2 all the same, and though sometimes I really feel like giving up on this tough journey towards A levels right now, I just want to say that I hope all discouraged Saints can still see that glimmer of hope and believe in themselves, because really, nobody is here by chance.

CNY passed and it's the usual gathering with the family and new clothes shoes and lots of food ^^

However CNY failed to be a 100% happy occasion for me. I guess this always happens to occasions as long as it has something to do with the family.

He called. But the person who received the call was not me but my sis. Asked us back for reunion dinner, said he misses us and wished he could turn back time and undo all his mistakes. What's the point of saying all these now? What's already happened to our lives? Do I hate him? Ha I don't know, really. At least he really loved me once and loved the family until the obsession overtook him. He, can never be him, though I'm grateful sometimes. Don't know how my life can be so messed up but it just is. I can't deny the fact I'm different from others no matter how hard I try. I see the world in such an ugly perspective yet I can't help it.

Sometimes people think I'm in depression and they try so hard to reach out and help me. But that's not what I need. In fact I don't really need any help nor advice but really just some support. I know what I'm thinking, doing, and what's right and wrong. But thank you friends, there are some others out there who really try hard to be there and go all out to help me. Especially want to thank yl for the support and all the things that probably nobody else except him would do for me. He's a friend that nobody can ask more for. Thank you my friend, your friendship is one thing I know I should never forgo of.

People change don't they? Shouldn't I know that very well by now? It's just really hard to accept that it's time to walk away from people who went through so much with you. Wished you could stop messing up your own life my friend. Seeing you in such a state now doesn't really make me feel good at all despite me believing that I could just easily strike you off my friend list and pretend we were never friends. Fact is, I can't. And I wished you knew what you are doing.

Which made me ponder too, how much have I changed ever since the start of my journey in SA? How many of them out there actually thinks of me differently now? Really, how different would my life be if I had entered a different school?

So many doubts.

My friends collected their A level results yesterday. That stirred a whirlwind of emotions within me, and I don't quite know how to spit them all out. I see people hugging, laughing, congratulating each other. I see my friends' names on the screen, them going on stage, and collecting their results. But I also saw people crying, yet those weren't tears of joy. I ask myself, which position would I be in next year? Would my efforts pay off like most of theirs did? Or would I be leaving the college after 3 whole years, full of regrets?

Truth to be told, I'm really scared. But at the same time I can't push myself. I don't want to push myself so hard. I can't find the reason and I can't find strength. Everyone around me goes on and on about how I should make full use of my time now, and how I can definitely do it if I give it my all. But do they know how much I even want it? Do people even know what I really want?

No they don't, because if they did, they wouldn't be saying all these shit to me right now.

Give me a break, I know just what I want. Which is something a lot of people overlook in their lives.

I want to be happy.